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14 ways to raise money for an iPhone

Seriously, we haven’t seen a gadget hyped to the degree of the iPhone since probably Playstation 2. When something is this hyped for so long, it often seems like it will never see its release. And when it finally is released, it rarely fulfills the hype. Really, it can’t. The Playstation 2 didn’t, and the iPhone probably won’t either. It’s no fault of the product; they’re both quality, it’s just a matter of meeting (or, really, exceeding) unrealistic hype. Trust us, there will be people disappointed that the iPhone doesn’t also act as a toothbrush, mouthwash, and floss. Still, we know you want one (we sure do). But how are you going to come up with that $600 — plus the $20 added to your monthly bill? As far as we know, most people don’t have that kind of money laying around, ready for their disposal on whatever “it” toy happens to pop up. So, we’ve devised a list of ways you can save — or earn — for that shiny new iPhone.

1. Mow lawns
A tedious chore from your childhood comes back to haunt you. We used to get $10 per lawn, but we figure $15 or $20 is more accurate now. Say best case, you get $20. That’s 25 lawns for the 4 gig, 30 lawns for the 8 gig. And then you only have to mow one lawn per month to pay for the service!

Note: May not work during the winter in the north.

2. Drop $200 in an interest-bearing savings account
Okay, so you might not have $500 or $600 laying around. But you can scrounge up $200, right? Okay. Now, take that money and dump it into an Emigrant Direct savings account. It pays a 5.05% APY, so it will only take you…23 years. On second though, maybe you should just become a day trader.

Note: You will probably lose all your money day trading.

3. Ask your boss for a one-time, $600 bonus — and then a $20/month raise
Okay, so he’d know exactly what you’re up to. And it could backfire, because he could just go and use your bonus and your raise to buy himself an iPhone. Or he could just tell you no, that he’s not going to pay for your $600 toy. You could try to spin it off as a business expense. Yeah, that’s the ticket…

Note: Your boss will not buy this excuse.

4. There’s always Mom and Dad
Think about it: whenever you needed something earlier in life, you just asked mom and dad to make it all better. Well, you need the iPhone, right? So why not go back to the old feeing trough? Make sure to sugar-coat your story, and play up the iPhone like you need it to get ahead in your industry. And then lay it on thick with the “but the rent is too high” schtick.

Note: Mom and Dad will tell you to buy your own iPhone.

5. Sell encyclopedias door to door
It was once a way for college kids to pay for their books. Now it’s almost obsolete, so there’s plenty of market share, right? Uh, yeah. We mean, you could try selling popcorn door to door, but the Boy Scouts would probably come and break your legs. And don’t even think about selling cookies. No telling what those Girl Scouts will do.

Note: With the advent of Wikipedia, people are no longer interested in physical encyclopedias.

6. Go on a hunger strike
Okay, so this one won’t help you save money for the iPhone — but it may get you one yet. Or not. But it’s worth a shot. After all, what’s a little malnutrition, anyway? The plan is to position yourself outside Apple Headquarters and threaten to starve to death if Steve Jobs doesn’t give you an iPhone. Don’t give in, either. Would he want your death on his conscience?

Note: You’ll probably be hauled off by Apple security — or the police — before you get an iPhone.

7. Get 60,000 people to each give you a penny
If that doesn’t work for you, you can get 12,000 people to give you a nickel; 6,000 people to give you a dime; or 2,400 people to give you a quarter. Hell, you could try to find 600 people to give you a dollar. When you break it down like that, it doesn’t seem so bad, right?

Note: You don’t know 60,000 people. You probably don’t know 600 people.

8. Dip into your savings
Okay, so investing $200 in a savings account and waiting doesn’t seem like the best idea. But what about dipping into your current savings account? It’s just $600, right? Say you’re a 20-something. You’re years and years from retirement, so that little, teensy weensy $600 won’t hurt, right? So go ahead, dip into the long-term savings.

Note: If you invest that $600 long term and can make a modest 8% return, that adds up to $8,871.21 over 35 years. Over 40 years, it’s $13,034.71. So yeah, that whole compound interest thing…

9. Hold a bake sale
High school sports teams have these all the time to raise money for equipment and travel. People are always willing to bake things and have them sold for a good cause. So round up the neighborhood, and make sure to get Mrs. Smith down the block to make you some of her famous double fudge brownies. At a quarter each, you’d have to sell 2,400 cookies/brownies/pieces of coffee cake. So get movin’!

Note: Mrs. Smith doesn’t think that you getting an iPhone is a good cause.

10. Stick ‘em up
What ever happened to a good, ol’ fashioned bank robbery? Okay, so maybe the teller would give you a funny look if you slipped her a note asking for $600 in cash and a direct deposit of $20 per month. But the stranger it seems, the loonier she’s going to think you are. And you don’t want to mess with a loony, right? You could even try to knock off a series of convenience stores (you couldn’t just do one, because nowadays they would never have $600 laying around in a register).

Note: You’re not an experienced criminal (we hope). We do not recommend you try this. If you do, we don’t know you.

11. Start a pyramid scheme
You know why you never make money with a company like Amway? Because you’re way, way down on the pyramid. So how do you get to the top of the pyramid? By starting your own, of course. You know a few people, and they know a few people, and they know a few people, and on and on. The one universal theme: you all want to make money! So it’s bound to work, right?

Note: Not only do pyramid schemes not work, their founders are usually charged with fraud.

12. Hold a film festival
It’s summer, and a great way to escape the heat is to head to the local movie theater. But man, $10 for a flick? Who wants to pay that — especially when there aren’t any good movies out. So do your community a favor and hold a film festival. You can charge $5 admission, and show films you and your buddies made. You’re just 120 people away from an iPhone.

Note: You’d have to find an air conditioned venue, then find enough people to cover that cost. Plus, who wants to watch you and your buddies play with a camera?

13. Drop unnecessary expenses
You know, your monthly costs include some things you could certainly do without. Those magazine subscriptions? Cancel ‘em. Cable bill? Tear it up. Who needs cable when you’ll have YouTube right on your phone? AAA membership? Seriously, what are the odds of you breaking down on the side of the road this year?

Note: Prepaid Reviews does not recommend you cancel your AAA membership. Chances are, you will break down on the side of the road this year. That’s what you get for driving a ’97 Hundai. Oh, wait. That’s us.

14. Five finger discount, dude
Remember those packs of gum you shoplifted from the convenience store when you were 10? Okay, so now you’re just a little older, the product is a bit more expensive, and security is slightly tighter. But you can still pull it off, right? You still have that youthful spunk that led to you and your buddies chewing wad after wad of Bubble Yum.

Note: They don’t stack out iPhones like they do bubble gum. Even if you were clever enough to get your hands on one, security would be pummeling you before you even stepped out the door.

On second thought
Maybe you’re better off waiting for the second generation…

Final note: This is parody. We do not condone crimes of any kind.